Written by Mary Jo Flaherty, PhD
Did you see that article about the perfect parents? No? Well that’s because there aren’t any! But wouldn’t it be great to know a few sure actions that will help your kid be happy and successful and allow you to enjoy this parenting gig at the same time?
Want positive out? Put positive in.
As stressed parents, our interactions with our children can become a series of increasingly terse commands and corrections: “Get out of bed.” “Why aren’t you out of bed, get up!” “Stop watching tv and do your homework.” “Why haven’t you done your homework!” “Go to bed.” “Why are you out of bed?!” If we paused and counted up the number of interactions that are negative rather than positive in tone, we might be surprised to find that, though it is not our intent, the number of negatives greatly outweighs the positives. Research clearly shows that for a relationship, and both individuals within it, to thrive, the positives – words, body language, tone & touch — need to outnumber the negatives by at least 3 to 1.
“But I don’t feel positive!” you might say. Good news! You don’t have to. Research shows that acting positive even when we don’t feel like it can cause us to feel even happier.
Teach them how to listen.
But my kid doesn’t listen! You are absolutely right. From toddler to corporate exec, research shows we accurately perceive what others say less than 20 percent of the time. No wonder we’re frustrated! The good news is research also shows a foolproof way to change that.
Try these 3 steps:
- Don’t forget to breathe – take three deep breaths (some folks count to ten!) this action actually helps change our brain chemistry to a more positive, relaxed state.
- Look that child you love in the eye – he will appreciate having your full attention, and it will help you capture his. Tell him something you appreciate about him – otherwise known as “‘catch’em being good’.”
- Give your child brief instruction in a kind, matter of fact tone. Ask them to repeat back what you said. If she needs clarification, provide it. If they got it, let them know: “You got it!” Keep your words, tone and body language positive.
Repeat for the win!
This process comes with a few guarantees. Like any new behavior, it is guaranteed to feel ‘unnatural’ at first, and your child may fuss initially, confused about the change. But like learning to ride a bike, it can become a breeze with practice. And it is guaranteed to be more efficient than repeatedly reminding your kiddo what you just told them, and a lot more fun.