Written by Mandi Dundas
Being a newlywed is truly one of the most exciting times in your life. It seems everything is new. You return from your honeymoon and walk into your new house with your new husband or wife. You get to play with lots of new gifts and kitchen gadgets, write a gazillion thank you notes, and relive moments from your wedding as friends and family upload photos to Facebook. Everything’s new and exciting. Life is great… until it’s not.
Reality starts to sink in.
“I thought you were going to pay the electric bill.”
“For the millionth time will you PLEASE put your socks in the dirty clothes basket?”
“The food you’re bringing home for dinner is making me fat!”
Everyone has their own unique method for adjusting to and coping with change. These behaviors are ingrained deep within us. Even the most synched couples find themselves stumped on how to adjust to different preferences or obscure habits of their partner.
Here are five ways newlyweds can remain present while learning to navigate the ever-changing landscape known as marriage.
- What’s mine is yours.
Money, or the lack of transparency into where your money is going, is one of the biggest reasons why couples fight. This can be avoided by meeting with a financial advisor or sitting down with your significant other to discuss your joint savings goals and aspirations.
By setting (and sticking to) realistic budgets and prioritizing your dollars in a way that makes you both happy, you can plan for financial success. Apps like Mint are a great resource for combining multiple accounts, credit card transactions, and other financial assets such as stocks, 401Ks, and student loans, into a single location for each of you to access and view. When you meet your savings goal or achieve a major milestone celebrate success with a nice vacation or night out at a fancy restaurant.
- You’re not the only one with feelings.
It’s easy to forget that the ones we love are real human beings with emotions and feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes we cause the most pain to the ones closest to us without even realizing it.
One of the most important things in any relationship is to feel loved and appreciated. Saying thank you and acknowledging the seemingly everyday tasks performed by your significant other really go a long way.
I recall a time I was SO frustrated with the fact that I wasalwaysthe one folding the clothes sitting in the dryer that I failed to notice my husband was always the one cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Our lack of acknowledgement to the other for these insignificant tasks was causing unnecessary tension.
Luckily, this is a simple fix! Next time your partner unloads the dishwasher or does a load of laundry, acknowledge this gesture with a genuine “thank you” or “I really appreciate your help”. After all, it’s the little things that matter most!
- A picture on social media is worth 1,000 filters.
Our world is filled with perfectly filtered Instagram pictures, influencing our perception of the “perfect” life, house, job or relationship. Instagram and other social media outlets tend to highlight the highest of highs and completely avoid the lowest of lows. Celebrities are a great example. Prior to their divorce, did you ever see an unhappy picture of Brangelina and their brood? No way! You were probably just as shocked as I was when the news broke that they were getting divorced.
Don’t let a glimpse into someone else’s (literal) picture perfect relationship bend your perception of reality. Each couple has the power to build their own definition of what “perfect” means. Tune out the noise from others causing you to question if the things in your life are good enough and focus on your relationship and all the things you have to be thankful for.
- Being passive aggressive does not count as communicating.
The two of you are not always going to be on the same page and that’s okay. There will be times when you will have to be flexible, despite prior agreements and/or if you’re like me, your hard headedness. You will learn to adjust your communication style depending on the topic (or which sports game is on TV). Also, the sooner both of you realize you’re not capable of reading each other’s minds, the better.
If something is bothering you, speak up. If you need your significant other to stop or start doing something differently, find an appropriate and compassionate way to tell them. Think about other things going on in their life. Is work causing them stress? Do they have a sick parent? Are you making matters worse? By putting yourself in their shoes and remaining mindful of their emotions, you can take an empathetic approach towards resolution.
- A fresh perspective can bring things back to life.
Let’s pretend your car won’t start. After a few failed attempts to jump start the thing, when you find yourself staring into the hood, scratching your head, wondering what you could possibly be doing wrong, you would likely seek professional help, right? Why should your relationship be any different?
If you and your partner seem to be butting heads on every little topic know that it’s okay to seek guidance from an objective third party. Marriage is a never-ending learning opportunity. Not only will you continue to learn new things about yourself, you will also learn new things about the two of you as a couple. Embrace it and accept the challenges ahead. If you’re not sure where to start, Relationships First has a library of excellent resources readily available.
Ready or not, life is going to happen. When it does, listen with open ears instead of hearing what you want to hear. In the heat of the moment if you can’t say something nice, step away. Once you reach an agreement or acknowledge the need to do something differently hold yourself accountable and follow through with these actions. After all, actions speak louder than words. Make sure that yours are worth listening to.
For more couples connection tips, try a Safe Conversations workshop event.